I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
BRING THE BAGELS
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
