Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
