This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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