the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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