The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
