I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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