the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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