Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
