PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have already put on my inside pants.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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