I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
