I'm really into asian looking animals
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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