watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
