First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
