Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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