Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
