i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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