Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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