shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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