When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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