the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
as a side note pls kill me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
