Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just had sex bonerless
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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