Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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