if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
