Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
