sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
