I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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