Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
