oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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