Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
