Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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