have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
