At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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