he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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