Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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