i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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