i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Enjoy the penises
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
