When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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