how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
