About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
