I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You need Xanax blowdarts
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize