Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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