Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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