Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
