is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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