Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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