census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
