rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize