wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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