One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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