My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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