He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
