im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
