the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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