I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
