What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
